Whether you're booking a live show or merely playing one, there is one cardinal rule to remember:

It's always the venue's fault.

Remember, it's your God-given right to do whatever the fuck you want. Those goddamn club owners should be begging you to lick your fucking boots.

Promotion

There are only two ways to promote a show: email lists and flyers. Since this is the only way people will hear about the show, follow these tips for maximum efficiency.

Always spam every email list that's even vaguely connected to noise music - avant-garde, hardcore, black metal, techno, all record label lists, and all the lists of famous noise artists. (You've probably been using them to promote your label, anyway.) Emails should be sent in HTML that is so poorly formatted that you have to use the scroll bars to read a single sentence. You should either write entirely with the caps lock on, or without touching the shift key at all, and never use punctuation. Don't forget to send a full-size, print-resolution copy of your flyer with every email.

Speaking of flyers... There are basically two methods of producing flyers. The first is to photocopy a violent or pornographic image until it looks like a Rorschach test (or, better yet, use someone else's copyrighted artwork), then simply scribble the band names on it in black magic marker. The other method is to spend two weeks rendering it on the computer using Photoshop, then pay lots of money to color copy it onto glossy stock, even though you're only going to hang five copies on telephone poles within a two-block radius of your house the day before the show. (The former is the usual method for Harsh Noise artists who couldn't play their instruments well enough to be punk rockers.)

Performing

Remember: Your creativity is the supernova that the entire universe revolves around. If it wasn't for you, the show wouldn't even be happening, so you have the right - nay, the duty - to be an asshole. You're a genius, dammit, and you have an innate right to perform wherever and however you like.

Never promote the show - that's the booking agent's job. Always demand that your friends get in for free, even though they're the only ones that ever come to your shows. Don't worry about being on time, and throw a shit fit if you have to go on first. If the venue is a bar, demand free drinks for you and your friends for the entire evening. Bring enough gear to cover four tables. Always take at least an hour to set up, and refuse to play if the sound guy doesn't turn you up loud enough to be heard the next town over.

Different genres of noise demand different performances. If you're a Pile of Junk artist, you should always try to destroy everything in the entire venue, starting with other peoples' equipment and ending with the PA; be especially destructive if you're the opening act. If you're a Harsh Noise artist, your performance should consist of you sitting behind your effects pedals and turning knobs (remember, the quality of your music is directly proportional to the amount of knobs you turn). Try not to move a muscle during the entire set, and play for at least forty minutes. Power Electronics and Dark Ambient groups usually consist of a vocalist and one or more synth players. Vocalists: scream a lot and look real angry - don't worry about remembering any of the words, since nobody will understand them anyway. Synth players: see Harsh Noise, above.

Booking a show

When dealing with a venue, always keep in mind that everyone who works there is an ignoramus who has absolutely no appreciation for art or culture. Anything that requires an I.Q. above room temperature will be utterly lost on these creeps. To top it off, they're only interested in money, not in the moral obligation to support the ten-person elite that makes up your scene.

So don't be afraid to lie to them. Don't tell them it's a noise show. Double the estimated crowd size, both to the venue and the noise artists. If you have a drunken conversation with the booking agent and she tells you a date might be open, then your show is confirmed for that date. Always start at least an hour later than you're supposed to, and never end on time.

Noise musicians should only play with other noise musicians. The best idea is to have a festival - it's only logical that thirty noise artists will bring in thirty times as many people as one noise artist. Send all the artists a single email a month before the show, then claim they're playing even if they never confirm, especially if they're the headliners.

And when half the artists cancel, the performances suck, nobody shows up, and everyone loses money, just remember that it's always the venue's fault.