With apologies to Ambrose Bierce.

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Art ('ärt) n.

Using the veneer of beauty to conceal reality's ugly truths. Produced mainly by confused people, from the bowels of their insulated self-absorbtion.

 

Birth ('b&rth) n.

That fateful event in the human lifespan when everything starts to go wrong.

 

Capitalism ('ka-p&-t&l-"iz-&m) n.

In theory, economic anarchy; in practice, oligarchic despotism. Its pure, unadulturated form can only be found in the criminal underworld.

 

Celebrity (s&-'le-br&-tE) n.

A service generously provided by the entertainment industry to alleviate the public burden of thinking about real life.

 

Childhood ('chIld-"hud) n.

A weak and ignorant period early in the human lifespan, fictitiously endowed with inhuman innocence, naivete, and moral superiority. Considered by lower forms of humankind to be so important, that we must sacrifice our pocketbooks, liberty, and self-respect in order to protect it.

 

Conservative (k&n-'s&r-v&-tiv) n.

A liberal in a business suit.

 

Contentment (k&n-'tent-m&nt) n.

The state one attains when one embraces all of humanity's ugliness.

 

Democracy (di-'mä-kr&-sE) n.

The subjugation of the ignorant by telegenic businessmen. Mob rule by proxy, decided by popularity contest.

 

Erotica (i-'rä-ti-k&) n.

Pornography for women and weaklings.

 

Feminist ('fe-m&-nist) n.

A female sexist who fights against the stereotype that women are weak and irrational by passing laws requiring that everyone be weak and irrational.

 

Hatred ('hA-tr&d) n.

That feeling that you get when you give a shit about the world.

 

Hippie ('hi-pE) n. (or Hippy)

A person who believes that by doing drugs, growing their hair, listening to bad music, and avoiding showers, they are somehow solving the world's problems.

 

Industrial Music (in-'d&s-trE-&l 'myü-zik) n.

A type of dance music with distorted guitars that existed in Chicago from 1988 until 1993.

 

Liberal ('li-b(&-)r&l) n.

A middle-class suburbanite who, not content with his own mediocrity, demands that everyone conform to his own provincial values.

 

Man ('man) n.

A type of male human that existed in the age of dinosaurs. In modern times, equal parts wage-slave and overgrown teenager.

 

Mob Rule ('mäb 'rül) n.

The oldest and most effective method of social organization.

 

Nazi ('nät-sE) n.

Any white person who doesn't agree with your particular liberal worldview.

 

Parents ('par-&nts) n. pl.

A married couple who decided to accessorize their SUV.

 

Philosophy (f&-'lä-s(&-)fE) n.

In historical times, the pinnacle of human intelligence; the foundations of science, politics, morality, and religious thought. In modern times, the stuff that hippies think about while stoned.

 

Pornography (por-'n&-gra-fE) n.

1. Unflattering images of unattainable women performing unnatural acts unconvincingly.
2. The main reason to upgrade to a faster modem.

 

Punk Rock ('p&[ng]k 'rawk) n.

A style of rock music started by teenagers with enough insight to realise that you don't have to have talent to be a rock star. Promoted by bands who sound alike, dress alike, and think alike as a protest against conformity.
Punk Rocker: a target market of suburban teenagers, in that rebellious stage after puberty but prior to growing up to be hippies or businessmen. Their main contribution to society is the elevation of obnoxiousness to an art form.

 

Reggae ('re-(")gA) n.

A type of music created by Jamaican gangsters that was tranformed into harmless stoner music through the magic of white people.

 

Rock Music ('rawk 'myü-zik) n.

A musical style that started with poor Southerners who couldn't work for a living. It reached its apex when the English working class took it over from their former colony's slaves, and made it loud, sexually promiscuous, and uncivilized - precisely those qualities they associated with American blacks. It then travelled back across the Atlantic to its final resting place in American suburbia.
Rockers or Rock-n-rollers: middle-class whites, clinging desperately to what little relevance rock music ever had, in denial of the fact that its main use is as background music to car commercials.

 

Rights ('rIts) n. pl.

Those things that the powerless are always screaming about when they're beaten with batons.
Inalienable Rights: Privileges handed out by the government in exchange for complacency.
Birthrights: Hand-me-downs from whichever forebearers actually succeeded in life. Currently, their existence is denied by those who have them, and aggressively promoted by those who don't.

 

Skinheads ('skin-"hed) n. pl.

A species of hairless albino teenagers, half of which are racist, most of which are violent, and all of which are brain-dead.

 

Sex (seks) n.

1. A messy physical act that two (or more) people do to pass the time between last call and the next cigarette. Excessive use may cause psychosis, disease, death, or - worst yet - childbirth. As with every other human act, it's only entertaining when it's done wrong.
2. The method women use to control men; the reason men control women.
3. The most effective tool in any advertising campaign.

 

Strong Woman ('stro[ng] 'wu-m&n) n.

Whichever fashion victim they've trotted out this month to sell consumer products and bad music.

 

Truth ('trüth) n.

Something that enlightened people remove as a roadblock to happiness.

 

War ('wor) n.

1. An activity that turns leaders into despots, businesses into monopolies, and humans into hamburger.
2. The main vehicle for all human progress.