I was at a party tonight at this guy Ernie's house. Deb was there, and we ended up getting into a big discussion about that "advice" column I wrote about a month ago.

She had a problem with it; namely, that it was very misogynist. We were both drunk, and it got a little heated. But her main points were these:

1. I said that women only wanted to have sex (or, generally, get into relationships) to get money.
2. I did not explain how ALL women do not think this way, nor did I explain that these things can also affect women negatively.
3. I told people what not to do, and didn't tell them what to do - in other words, I didn't say anything positive.
4. She did not understand what I wrote, because (according to her) I did not act like a woman-hater, which is (she said) what I was trying to convince people to be.
5. The mistakes of early feminists - i.e. being reductionistic and over-the-top with regards to gender relations - do not excuse me doing the same thing.

There might be more, but I forgot, to be honest. These were the ones that stuck out in my mind.

I'd like to respond. Not because I dislike Deb - I do like her, and I think she's one of the smartest people I know; she's not an idiot who jumps to stupid conclusions. I'm doing it because this is something that I believe, and I think it's important. I'm currently working through a longer version which I intend to put up on my site as a permanent essay. By arguing my case, I can explain myself a little better, and also open myself up to specific arguments which I can either refute or incorporate into the essay.

Just so you don't have to go through the trouble of hunting for the post, this is what I wrote about women, in it's entirety:

• Women may be many things, but a passage to manhood isn't one of them. No woman will ever make you a man, not as confidant or conquest. They have their own agenda, and will try to measure you according to their own yardstick. Don't listen to them.
• Women may like you, may depend upon you, and sometimes may even respect you. But they will never understand you, and they will never help you understand yourself. Don't expect them to.
• Your mother is just another woman.
  

   

• Lose your virginity early. You should probably like her, but you shouldn't love her. The less romantic it is the better.
• Women enjoy sex as much as men do. You do not "owe" women for sex.
• It is OK to say no to sex, even from someone who is attractive. But you should only say no if you really don't want to, not because of fear or moral obligation.
• It is OK to be bad in bed. Honestly, why should YOU care?
• Never act a certain way, like something, believe an idea, or buy anything just to impress women. You'll be wasting your time and money, and in the worst case you will turn yourself into a swine.
• Never confuse sexual attraction with respect. They are not related in any way. If you believe you respect a woman, ask yourself this: If a man did the same thing, would you respect him? If the answer is no, then it's not respect that you feel.
• It is OK to feel affection for a woman that you don't respect.
• Never, ever become a father. Men become fathers because they lack their own accomplishments, and hope their children will fill the gap. The desire to be a father is a sign that you are off your life's path.

So let's go through the arguments.

1. the "women are golddiggers" criticism.
   
   Did I actually say this anywhere? What I said is that women have their own agenda. I did not specifically state what that agenda is - could be money, could be self-esteem, could be the desire for a family, could just be power and control. But whatever it is, you shouldn't measure yourself by how well you live up to it.
   
   Think about it. Would you really want to argue the opposite? Do you really think it's healthy for men to measure themselves by these yardsticks? If the genders were reversed, wouldn't you just recognize this as a denial of female inferiority?
   
   
2. the "I didn't consider women's' views" argument.
   
   No, I didn't. I didn't write it for women, I wrote it for men - and I would be unqualified to write otherwise.
   
   The plain fact is this: since we're dealing with masculine identity, it shouldn't matter how these things affect women - whether for good or ill. The idea that you shouldn't adopt a viewpoint because it hurts women, is as absurd as the idea that you shouldn't adopt a viewpoint if it helps them. What difference does it make to men whether something empowers women or not?
   
   And frankly, there is no reason to listen to a purely moralistic argument. At least none that I would care to tattoo on my ass.
   
   
3. the "I only showed problems, not proposed solutions" criticism. (This was, I think, phrased thusly: I told people to stay away from women, not what they should do when they were in fact away from them.)
   
   Keep this in mind: The advice that I wrote (just the list - not counting the intro where I explained my motivations) came to 1725 words. The bit devoted to women (above) was 300 words. This means that less than 20% of what I wrote was about relationships between men and women.
   
   I would say this effectively refutes this point - unless you want to dismiss my opinions on creativity, inequality, work, fame, intelligence, sports, fighting, feelings, and the importance of solitude.
   
   Well, perhaps she meant I didn't provide a solution to the man-woman dichotomy. She's right on this count. I don't see a solution; I think the default idea in peoples' minds should be that men and women should stay away from each other - not because it's "immoral" or anything, just because there's too much gender pollution in our collective bloodstream for men and women to be good for each other.
   
   But I digress. You don't have to agree with that particular opinion; in fact, nothing in what I wrote suggests that you can't have a girlfriend.
   
   Just that your girlfriend should not define your identity. That you should, instead, define your identity by the other myriad points which I talked about.
   
   Whether or not I gave good advice on these other topics, I'll leave the reader to judge.
   
   
4. the "I don't act like I hate women" criticism.
   
   I have to admit that most of my friends are women. And I try, at least, to treat them with respect.
   
   How does this contradict anything I've written? Where do I say that you should be a wife-beater, that they're inferior, or that women should be ignored (except on the specific point of personal male identity)?
   
   I know many, many women who have a lower opinion of men than I do of women. You know: "men only want one thing," "they're knuckle-dragging brutes who would rather fight than talk," "they're all overgrown teenagers," "they don't have any feelings," and so on. Yet those women have husbands, fathers, and sons - and don't feel any contradiction whatsoever. It's just the way the world works, not a cause for hatred.
   
   I'm not defending those women. Just illustrating that it's possible to have more sexist attitudes than mine and still get along just dandy with the opposite sex.
   
   ...If instead, you mean that I don't live up to my own advice - well, possibly, but nobody's perfect. (I said in the intro that I gained a lot of these opinions "from the many mistakes I've made." Most of those mistakes were believing what my critics are saying.)
   
   
5. the "two wrongs don't make a right" criticism (e.g. feminists may have said similar things back in the day, but that doesn't make it okay for you to do the same, and you should know better)
   
   First of all: This is a lifetime's worth of advice boiled down to a few platitudes. Of course it's going to be simplistic - there's really no other choice. That doesn't mean this is all worthless. This is meant to be something like those Nietzsche aphorisms, or Confucian sayings: Easily remembered rules to act as a guide to life.
   
   And, as a guide, I think they hold up. Since none of what I've said actually depends upon whether women are inferior or not - in fact, the idea is to totally take womens' opinions of masculinity out of the definition if it - I don't think there's much grounds for criticism. Women could approve of these sayings, and it wouldn't matter; they could disapprove, and it still wouldn't matter. Just like femininity should not be defined by male approval.
   
   If there is one single lesson to be learned, it is this: You cannot look to other people for your own self-identity. Women or men.
   
   And if I don't put this in absolute terms - how much do you think people will listen? If it's a rule that's only occasionally enforced, is it even a rule at all?
   
   My own opinion is that early feminism was extreme because it had to be - to wean women off of the destructive ideas that had been controlling their lives. Nobody has tried (to my satisfaction) to do the same thing for men. Cut me a little slack here, at least.

Was that clear enough?